something is rotten in the state of denmark... or, why I don't want to be anyone's savior.

I'm closing a rather huge chapter of my life this month. Since I was eleven, the humane society in here has been the home of all my hopes an dreams. For over a decade I have worked as a volunteer, then staff member, taking care of our community's unwanted animals. If you are looking to grow from the very core of your being, I would recommend getting involved at your local animal shelter. I have learned more about life, the world, humanity, and my own heart from that place then I ever could have anywhere else. For the past five years, I have gone to school, and spent my weekends getting up at 6:00 in the morning to clean out kennels for three hours before we opened, followed by seven hours of extreme multitasking, everything from euthanasia to giving tours to girl scouts, snuggling with puppies one minute and loading the crematory the next. Doing five years of adoption counseling, I been around to see around 25,000 animals find new homes. I've seen the organization go from a white stucco building with a back yard full of pot belly pigs, to a multimillion dollar facility frequently used as a back drop for training and filming. A transformation I have supported with my time, heart, and money. However, Gandhi made a good point “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” Ethically, I subscribe to Rawls's version of Utilitarianism. On the same token then, I think it is true that an organization is only as good as it treats its foundation of workers, and in this situation, something has gone terribly wrong. Details are not important, but my years of loyalty and devotion were repaid with disrespect and apathy. I no longer want my name attached to such a place anymore, and to say that pains me deeply.

However, one can always find good news. I believe it is there, I'm still trying to feel it though. What I do know at this point is I am a child of destiny, because the universe sure goes to a lot of trouble to teach me a lesson. I seem to get a hell of a lot of attention in that department. I hope that this is the final leap I'll take in getting over the majority of my issues with being a martyr. I was raised to see others as victims who need saving. It is a view point which has been guided by a lot of compassion, but is full of arrogance too. Seeing someone as helpless sets up a power dynamic that frames me as somehow more capable than they are. The truth however is based in equality. I cannot save the humane society, I cannot save my friends who are suffering, I cannot save those who do not love themselves enough to give it to others. When they are ready to escape their own suffering I can be there in support, but I cannot do anything without them. Support, not saving, is what being a bodhisattva is about.

I'm tired. I just want to take full responsibility for myself, not for anyone else anymore. In trying to save the world, I have attached myself and my happiness to the outcome. A Buddha's happiness is not at the mercy of the world, they are rather the world with in themselves. That is how I would like to live. I've had periods of it before, and I believe I can find this again. As cliche as it sounds, so much of it really is about living in the present. I want to find joy in a moment of service, rather than living in the future, spending so much energy trying to drag where I actually am now along with me. We seem to create more work for ourselves than we really need to.

I have a wonderful massage therapist named Gene. One day he commented on how tight my shoulders always are. I said it was from the weight of the world. "Well, sweetheart, you need to set that one down." he replied. I'm taking Gene's advice.

may you find your own happiness,
janey