a) I'm a little stuck these days. Nothing that anyone wouldn't expect from someone graduating college, but for me (a girl who has spent her whole life planning everything) This is rather new and uncomfortable, and forcing me to come up with some new thought patterns so I don't freak out entirely. Everyone says that I should take full advantage of the freedom I have now just to do whatever it is I want and not worry about anybody else. Alas what I want most would fall under that 'anybody else' description. I caught myself watching a scene from Mad Men with my dad the other night, dramatic happenings unfolding between two unhappy housewives in the sixties. I think one of the themes the viewer was intended to draw was how dark life can be beneath the shiny surface, that these women look perfect on the outside but they are trapped in their small little lives and miserable because of it. However, I caught myself thinking something rather strange, namely "I want that, what are these ladies complaining about?". Perhaps I am just a sucker for good cinematic artistic vision, historical integrity, and clean lined costuming?
Obviously, I do not want to be trapped, but I do understand the choices my grandmother, and women like her, made in favor of security and family (and grandfathers who needed an anchor and responsibility). One cannot underestimate the seductive power that pearls and chocolate chip cookies possess. But I shall look onward to a life of backpacks and 747's instead.
b) It is a lot of work to restrict love (and being in it) in order to protect our fragile ego's. My self esteem has heartily recovered (for the most part) from recent blows this year, and I am trying something new. I am practicing love without expectation or condition. This is in an emotional sense, rather than an active one, but still a challenge not to mentally restrict myself. Perhaps what the specifics of what I would want from this situation don't exist, but I keep asking myself: "What if I just let myself love anyway?". My heart feels better right now open than closed, and I don't need to judge it.
c) I wrote a song this week on my ukulele. I've never actually done that before, and it was a great new experience. I actually think it doesn't suck, which came as a surprise because I have rarely given myself permission to think much of my own art. It was a very cathartic experience, which I hope to repeat the next time inspiration strikes. Expect to see a recording pop up (when I am finally forced to get a new mac); I am excited to share my creativity with others. I feel like this has opened so many new doors for me and how I think about myself, regardless of whether something comes of it. If you are struggling with something now too, I would highly recommend adding a practice of art to your daily life. It has certainly pushed me towards happiness.
so much love,
janey
No comments:
Post a Comment