an ode to my ukulele.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it yet, but this year I found my soul mate. Or at least if an inanimate object can be a soul mate, well then I have found that.
I bought a guitar back in the day, but I've always been more of a 'one note at a time' kind of girl, and just like my six years on the piano, I was also horrid at guitar. I just couldn't move my fingers that way, so I essentially quit, and left it to gather dust in my room, making me look much cooler than I actually am to anyone who didn't know how horrid at guitar I was. This year though, I fell in love (a few times really, but we won't get into all that...) with a wonderful musician, Ingrid Michaelson.
This fall, after my heart broke wide open, I was a mess for what felt like a long time. For someone who is known for her cheerfulness, I've dealt with depression quite a bit. The strong life condition that I have built for myself started to crumble. I couldn't make it through the day without bursting into tears at least once, I wasn't eating well and felt sick all the time. I felt the pull of self-hatred I know all too well and I let a lot of my responsibilities slip out of control. After about two months of being stuck in a downward spiral that my life had become, I went to see Ingrid in Denver and was inspired once again to find my own musicianship. I determined that guitar was not the way to do it, so I went to Robb's and bought myself a beautiful baritone ukulele. Perhaps the best purchase I've ever made. I had been chanting for help to pull me out of my fundamental darkness, and my ukulele came to the rescue. I was horrid at guitar but the uke came quickly and naturally (same amount of strings as you have usable fingers, much more logical). It instilled me with a sense of confidence in my voice and ability, self worth, that I had misplaced. For the next month or so I played four or five hours a day, and finally found the strength to face the world with calm and joy rather than anxiety and sadness. I had other help from friends, my sangha, and my wonderful life coach, but the ukulele was the extra thing I needed.
I've come to see that most people don't have enough outlets for joy in their life, and so I feel very lucky that not only have I found a new way to express mine, but also a reminder that I can never be without it.
May you find your own ukulele of life.

love,
Janey

Caution: living with bated breath may cause heart damage

I consider myself to be a dreamer. There is not denying it, it is just what I am. I am starting to see however that with every positive quality, also comes a challenge. With my dreamy-ness also comes a grand tendency to live too much in the future. I have found myself being constantly let down by this in the past year. If my life up to this point was a book, the title certainly should certainly be Great Expectations. What I am starting to realize, is that expectations are a hell of a lot of work.

I don't know if I want to be a dreamer any more, as much as a lover, an actor, a person who trusts themselves enough just to be.
I have always had two main dreams:
1. to find true love,
and
2. have my everyday life full of dolphins.
There is simplicity in this, but I constantly translate it into complicated romantic projections.

Rather than dreams, perhaps these are just truths. My truth. my own personal dharma.

I have been loyal to them since I can remember so there is no fear that these are passing whims. I am constantly transformed and motivated my love. I like to love, I like to be affectionate. I like to be in a relationship, and I like the challenges that come with it. I have proven that it is something I am always willing to make room for, regardless of what else is going on. I also love dolphins. I like watching dolphins, and I like to swim with them. Their very presence makes me feel alive and safe and connected to the universe in a way that only being 'in the arms of the beloved' (as rumi might say) would. They are my external dharma and true love my internal.
I am so tired of planning, of trying to anticipate what is next, or worse, of forcing it. Whenever I do that I am always let down. Trying to have so much control leaves you unable to see the beauty in the experience as what it is, you waste your energy on trying to figure out exactly what the experience should be and proving yourself right. Its just ego, and its gross. I'm done with it.

may we all have lives full of true love and dolphins,
janey

(ps. the above photo is one I took of my dinner a few months ago, after I randomly dumped sauce on some noodles. the heart was not intentional. sometimes we need reminders of to have faith)

Taking the Plunge

This Year, I celebrated the new year, new hope, new joy, new love with the Boulder Polar Bear Club and dove into the Boulder res for the 2009 polar plunge. This is the third year I've jumped but it was different in a few essential ways. First of all, its the first time I've found friends crazy enough to do this with me!! (Yey Haley and Josh!) I was also pleased to find that I have shaken off so much fear in 2008. For the first time, as we got closer and closer to the front of the line to jump, I was no longer overcome with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. Instead, I was simply full of joy and excitement. This, I think is the real gift of taking big risks in life.

"Leap, and the net will appear"; as the Zen monks say. Not only will you find yourself safe, but able to find such great joy in the unexpected. This little tradition for me is more than just something silly, but rather a practice in letting go of the seeming security fear brings and embracing the wild beauty in living your life with love.
Happy New Year! May it be everything you ever dreamed of!
Love,
Janey