In search of 'solito lindo', or why sometimes you should probably just eat something

I've had a curious twenty-four hours.

In my search for trancendance, I've dabbled a little bit in kundalini yoga (by dabbled I mean I read Eat, Pray, Love bought another book on it and have a schedule taped to my fridge for the local yoga studio that offers kundalini chanting, so I am by no means any sort of real source). One of the most interesting things I've gotten in my minor exploration is the knowledge that we all have multiple bodies. Of course our physical body exists in reality, but so does our emotional body (pranic), our spirit body (radiant), and a bunch of other bodies that are too complicated for me to explain. You can believe it or not, but buying into this idea has helped me get a lot of things straight lately.

Within the last day, I had a subtle experience which helped me turn this truth into a personal reality. In the past month, I've been really happy! Yes, I'm still growing and healing, but I've found a calm in my mind, a general freedom from unnecessary worries and desires, and strength again in my big bodhisattva heart (yey!).
Yesterday, however, I woke up feeling physically tired and rather dehydrated. Then, I spent the afternoon working on a presentation on a play, Machinal by Sophie Treadwell. I've done this play before, but had forgotten the intensity it contains. Machinal follows the life of a young woman who gets trapped in a shallow marriage with a man she finds disgusting, and is crippled by the pressure of modern life. She has a short affair with the first young man she has found appealing, and gets a taste of love, and unable to return to her harsh reality after finally experiencing happiness and intimacy with another person, she murders her husband and is then electrocuted by the state. I've seen the play at least a dozen times, but the scene with her young man always gets me. He sings her 'solito lindo' or little heaven, a nickname lovers give each other in Spain, which is corny, but very touching corn.
It was after I read this, that I could feel myself on the edge of tanking. Then, I made the mistake of forgetting to eat before my midterms, and reached 4:00 feeling so weak emotionally and physically that it was all I could do to get myself home. During this vulnerability, my brain started to get the best of me, deciding that then was the perfect time to start opening up old wounds and fill me with repetitive thoughts of doubt and insecurity.

I realized the extent to which these bodies we all have are connected. When one is hurt, the others can follow so easily, which makes self care that much more important.
So, I ate some gumbo, took my dog Benjamin for a walk, a mini nap, and popped in my emergency movie (You've got mail) and now feel like the delightful buddha woman I really am (and that you are too! or buddha-man if you wish).

Don't forget the importance of taking gentle care of all of your bodies, only you can ensure your own happiness, and you deserve it in truck loads!

love,
janey

the cheerful one with cherry blossoms in her hair

I had a few wonderful Buddhist experiences this week that I wanted to share.

I've spoken a little about my practice, but sometimes a little vaguely. I genuinely respect other traditions. People are so diverse, and it follows then that expressions of faith are as well. I also love my practice! So, so, so, very much!
I practice Nichiren Buddhism with The Soka Gakkai International. The tradition is centered around chanting 'nam myoho renge kyo', which translates to 'I devote myself to the mystic law of cause and effect through sound', however my favorite explanation is that in chanting, I am calling out the name of my buddha-nature. My own innate perfection or divinity. The same nature that we all have. I have had very strong faith recently, and I cannot express how wonderful it is just to be able to trust not only yourself, but the universe to bring the right scenario as it is meant to appear.

On Saturday, I went down to Denver to receive a guidance from Jee, a wonderful leader who was in town. The SGI has leaders, but not in a manner where anyone is better than anyone else. Rather, people become leaders when they are strong in their practice and can support others, however we all learn from each other equally. I didn't any real problems to talk about, but wanted to take advantage of the opportunity. Jee and I had a wonderful conversation that really got me excited about this Buddhism. Having a practice makes me feel secure in my life. No matter what happens, no matter how bad things get (or how good), I will always have my gohonzon to turn to for comfort and to celebrate my life! I have been through a phase where I was in battle with my own fundamental darkness, and have come through it with my smile intact. Jee had a great metaphor for this challenge. She said that in Japan, if a winter is very mild, the cherry trees will bloom very little, if at all in the spring. Something about the tree needs the frost to shock the buds into becoming the flowers they are meant to be. Harsh winters produce more beautiful flower's than mild ones. I know the japan/beauty/cherry blossom metaphor is perhaps a little over used to the point of being a cliche, but I liked this particular explanation none the less. If its true, I should be sprouting blossoms any day now!

Last night, my local SGI district (the boulder bodhisattvas!) had a particularly good new members meeting as well. I'm not someone who believes in blind faith in the least bit. Belief, especially when it's religious and moral should be able to withstand strong questioning and provide proof and logical answers. I, however, had done most of my questioning before I found this tradition, and the buddha-dharma rang true for my life. Recently, I've been very struck at the simplicity of it all. Right now, ALL I have to do is trust the practice, and chant daimoku. That's it. The rest will take care of its self, and any other action will just be a natural and easy expression of my inner state, not something that is forced. I have so many question marks in my life right now. Love? Travel? Work? Money to travel? but with the simplicity that this Buddhism brings to my life, I am pretty joyful and calm about all of them. The right relationship will pop up when it is meant to, the right country will open it's doors, the right job will show up paying what I need to adventure and create some security and freedom. I just have to be patient, and if there is one thing I am, its patient.

May you be happy, free, and cheerful.
love,
janey


(a recent Boulder Bodhisattva district meeting at a member's house)

The Seduction of Pearls and Chocolate Chip Cookies

a) I'm a little stuck these days. Nothing that anyone wouldn't expect from someone graduating college, but for me (a girl who has spent her whole life planning everything) This is rather new and uncomfortable, and forcing me to come up with some new thought patterns so I don't freak out entirely. Everyone says that I should take full advantage of the freedom I have now just to do whatever it is I want and not worry about anybody else. Alas what I want most would fall under that 'anybody else' description. I caught myself watching a scene from Mad Men with my dad the other night, dramatic happenings unfolding between two unhappy housewives in the sixties. I think one of the themes the viewer was intended to draw was how dark life can be beneath the shiny surface, that these women look perfect on the outside but they are trapped in their small little lives and miserable because of it. However, I caught myself thinking something rather strange, namely "I want that, what are these ladies complaining about?". Perhaps I am just a sucker for good cinematic artistic vision, historical integrity, and clean lined costuming?
Obviously, I do not want to be trapped, but I do understand the choices my grandmother, and women like her, made in favor of security and family (and grandfathers who needed an anchor and responsibility). One cannot underestimate the seductive power that pearls and chocolate chip cookies possess. But I shall look onward to a life of backpacks and 747's instead.

b) It is a lot of work to restrict love (and being in it) in order to protect our fragile ego's. My self esteem has heartily recovered (for the most part) from recent blows this year, and I am trying something new. I am practicing love without expectation or condition. This is in an emotional sense, rather than an active one, but still a challenge not to mentally restrict myself. Perhaps what the specifics of what I would want from this situation don't exist, but I keep asking myself: "What if I just let myself love anyway?". My heart feels better right now open than closed, and I don't need to judge it.

c) I wrote a song this week on my ukulele. I've never actually done that before, and it was a great new experience. I actually think it doesn't suck, which came as a surprise because I have rarely given myself permission to think much of my own art. It was a very cathartic experience, which I hope to repeat the next time inspiration strikes. Expect to see a recording pop up (when I am finally forced to get a new mac); I am excited to share my creativity with others. I feel like this has opened so many new doors for me and how I think about myself, regardless of whether something comes of it. If you are struggling with something now too, I would highly recommend adding a practice of art to your daily life. It has certainly pushed me towards happiness.



so much love,
janey

something is rotten in the state of denmark... or, why I don't want to be anyone's savior.

I'm closing a rather huge chapter of my life this month. Since I was eleven, the humane society in here has been the home of all my hopes an dreams. For over a decade I have worked as a volunteer, then staff member, taking care of our community's unwanted animals. If you are looking to grow from the very core of your being, I would recommend getting involved at your local animal shelter. I have learned more about life, the world, humanity, and my own heart from that place then I ever could have anywhere else. For the past five years, I have gone to school, and spent my weekends getting up at 6:00 in the morning to clean out kennels for three hours before we opened, followed by seven hours of extreme multitasking, everything from euthanasia to giving tours to girl scouts, snuggling with puppies one minute and loading the crematory the next. Doing five years of adoption counseling, I been around to see around 25,000 animals find new homes. I've seen the organization go from a white stucco building with a back yard full of pot belly pigs, to a multimillion dollar facility frequently used as a back drop for training and filming. A transformation I have supported with my time, heart, and money. However, Gandhi made a good point “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” Ethically, I subscribe to Rawls's version of Utilitarianism. On the same token then, I think it is true that an organization is only as good as it treats its foundation of workers, and in this situation, something has gone terribly wrong. Details are not important, but my years of loyalty and devotion were repaid with disrespect and apathy. I no longer want my name attached to such a place anymore, and to say that pains me deeply.

However, one can always find good news. I believe it is there, I'm still trying to feel it though. What I do know at this point is I am a child of destiny, because the universe sure goes to a lot of trouble to teach me a lesson. I seem to get a hell of a lot of attention in that department. I hope that this is the final leap I'll take in getting over the majority of my issues with being a martyr. I was raised to see others as victims who need saving. It is a view point which has been guided by a lot of compassion, but is full of arrogance too. Seeing someone as helpless sets up a power dynamic that frames me as somehow more capable than they are. The truth however is based in equality. I cannot save the humane society, I cannot save my friends who are suffering, I cannot save those who do not love themselves enough to give it to others. When they are ready to escape their own suffering I can be there in support, but I cannot do anything without them. Support, not saving, is what being a bodhisattva is about.

I'm tired. I just want to take full responsibility for myself, not for anyone else anymore. In trying to save the world, I have attached myself and my happiness to the outcome. A Buddha's happiness is not at the mercy of the world, they are rather the world with in themselves. That is how I would like to live. I've had periods of it before, and I believe I can find this again. As cliche as it sounds, so much of it really is about living in the present. I want to find joy in a moment of service, rather than living in the future, spending so much energy trying to drag where I actually am now along with me. We seem to create more work for ourselves than we really need to.

I have a wonderful massage therapist named Gene. One day he commented on how tight my shoulders always are. I said it was from the weight of the world. "Well, sweetheart, you need to set that one down." he replied. I'm taking Gene's advice.

may you find your own happiness,
janey