You and I

Don't you worry there my honey
We might not have any money
But we've got our love to pay the bills

Maybe I think you're cute and funny
Maybe I wanna do want bunnies do with you if you know what I mean

Oh lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

Well you might be a bit confused
And you might be a little bit bruised
But baby how we spoon like no one else
So I will help you read those books
If you will soothe my worried looks
And we will put the lonesome on the shelf

Lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

Lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

(Ingrid Michaelson)

If you don't know Ingrid Michaelson, please make yourself aquainted!
My beautiful friend Meg got her new cd yesterday, and I borrowed it on my lunch. ahhh.
In preparation for this, Meg told me that while she was listening to it, she loved it so much, but also that she was struck that Ingrid IS my soul mate. I have claimed this in jest, but apperently it is true. At least I have found one, eh?

Service as Path (or why Nurses are Buddhas in disguise)

Recently, I seem to be faced quite frequently with how essential service is as a foundation of happiness and maintaining a bodhisattva life condition.

From a global perspective, this realization is terribly exciting and powerful. It has been said by religious academics that the buddha-dharma centered in America and the West right now could be the beginning of what would be considered the fourth turning of the wheel of the Dharma. First Theravada, then Mahayana, Vajrayana, and now perhaps American Socially Engaged Buddhism? It is exciting to think that my individual practice, and my Soka sangha could play such an essential part in this revolution. What is key to this new incarnation of the Dharma, is the emphasis on service. It is not a new concept in Buddhism, but I believe that service as The central practice could be.

What delights me is although this could be a lofty notion, designed as only an outlet and justification for miserable bleeding hearts like I myself have been, service for others, when combined with the knowledge that other service is also self service, can bring about a great and unshakable joy.

One of my favorite mantras when cleaning kennels at the Humane Society has become "cleaning up crap, cleaning up my karma". I repeat this to myself almost constantly though out our three hour scrub sessions, and because of it, I feel blessed and joyful in my work. In many ways, this has become one of my favorite parts of my job. It may seem odd, however it is rare that we are given opportunities for simple, humbling work. It also is one of the only things which really does the trick to take my mind off my own exhausting battle against fundamental darkness. Time left to think about myself and my life has become the real work, and service is the mental break I need to recharge my heart.

On a personal note, today has been a big day for my family. My uncle is died of cancer last night. And though I am peaceful with it because of my faith and distance (not created from this situation, but the mere fact that no one is close to everyone), this is an ending which will be very difficult and painful for many. I have never experienced a human death before, and it is odd how different it is from how we treat our non-human companions. I spent much of the day at the hospital, and later at hospice. There were times last night, where there were as many as ten people in his room, just listening to his mechanical gasping, wondering with each breath if it was the last one. Through this process, I was struck at what I can only describe as the greatness of the nurses who provide such care. I have not yet learned how to turn something as simple as my presence, into an act of service for another human being, especially in such an extended and gloomy situation. With animals, in many ways, we can do so much more to relieve their pain. Nurses must know something profound about the art of surrender, because besides the morphine, there isn't much you can do but be present with love. It is not easy to watch someone suffer from a position of helplessness, the strength they possess is admirable.


may you be peaceful,
may you be happy,
may you be free from suffering.

love,
janey

saying goodbye to a happiness that used to be

One of my lessons in this lifetime is undoubtedly impermanence.
It is one that has always been hard for me. As a little girl, I remember sobbing uncontrollably when my favorite aunt (who I worshiped) would leave at the end of a vacation. I find that I pretty much have the same reaction at 22 as I did then.

I have recently been practicing the art of creation. As an artist, a dreamer, and as a bodhisattva. In the past, I have cut all ties when a relationship or friendship stopped working for me. Though this hasn't been bad (and was certainly apart of my process) I have wanted to rise above needing to do this and maintain bonds and love, rather than destroying them.
Its rather funny when I think that one of the first real times I try to practice this is in the most difficult situation I can personally imagine.

I've realized that when steps have been taken along the bodhisattva path, steps away from my ego and towards compassion, the fundamental darkness, or the power of the 1st noble truth will try to pull one back. It seems that ego, combined with fundamental darkness creates the effect I can only equate to having a wounded and pissed orangutan tearing around my rib cage and beating up my buddhaheart. I know that this force, though it is living in me, is not me. I am trying to tame it, and turn ego into an ally, rather than my abuser.

Unfortunately, the only way I can see to do this is to drop the ties to old love. Rather than serving as a reminder of my interconnection, they have been strangling me. I know it is the right thing, because I am acting out of love for myself, and love for the future, but it pains me that I cannot find a way to also act out of love for him.
In saying goodbye, I feel like I must once again forget the beautiful nuances of the happiness I had found. I cannot hope for a return of any of it in the same way and it is this knowledge which at times makes me feel like I am melting into my bed. Unable to move towards new love. possibility. happiness.
However, as Sensei says; I will not be defeated. I will courageously advance.

I am so especially thankful to my wonderful and kind friends who's very presence help heal my heart. Buddhist or not, they are my Sangha, and I am blessed and proud to say that I take refuge in them.

may all beings be peaceful, may all beings be happy, may all beings be filled with compassion for one another.

love,
Janey

Sitting through the Pain

Since clearly entering the bodhisattva path this spring, I have been delighted to have proof of what a core of unshakable happiness really looks an feels like. It is something which, when I really think on it, will frequently move me to tears. Or cause me to look like a total crazy person, sitting in meditation with a giant smile on my face! I am inexpressibly thankful for this strength.

Unfortunately however, what no one really tells you about awareness and the path to buddhahood, is that once you set off on it, there is no going back, no matter how much it hurts and you want to. Once light has been shown on the truth, it seems to take on a bioluminescent quality all of it's own. Another reality no one tells you is how much (excuse me, but...) shit is going to be thrown at you, to try and trip you up. Every negative thought, emotion, desire, and experience of your entire life seems to decide that now is the ideal time to come out of the woodwork. Our fundamental darkness, for fear of being eliminated will fight back. It's worth it, but prepare yourself.

Frankly, I'm exhausted.

Most of the time this kind of spiritual work is done in a monastery, not in the real world with real pressures adding to it. There is an obvious reason for this, which is that it is really really really really really hard!

I have recently been practicing being a master of forgiveness. Though it is not quite the feat one might assume it is, it is a lesson challenging me.

One specific issue I'm dealing with is being faced with people who's behavior created such pain, and who's presence continues to spark it. While at the same time trying to create loving-kindness and whole heartedly forgive them.
Never liking to give in to the fear, and wanting to promote my own healing, ability to love, and forgive, I haven't shy-ed away from these stinging situations when they have presented themselves recently. Rather I am trying to find comfort and joy in their presence, even though such connection does not exist in the manner part of me wishes it did.

One such situation occurred this morning, and my strength eventually gave into the grief and sadness of it. I am so thankful that I was able to turn to my practice to help. I found myself sitting in the lower shrine room at the Boulder Shambhala Center (not my normal practice, but sometimes you need to be in public and my own sangha doesn't have a center in Boulder yet), crippled in child's pose in front of the alter as the sadness swept through me, fighting back sobs (as a result, I have certainly become a master of the cliche crying a single tear recently). Like all emotion, by not fighting it, grief quickly possessed my being and moved on. I was left with the desire to essentially emotionally vomit all over the person in question. Not out of unkindness, but to be open, honest, genuine and connect. Not to hide a single part of me, and somehow hoping that maybe all this vulnerability would fix everything. All thoughts born from a wounded ego and love of the status quo.

Through my practice, I have been fortunate enough to learn how to watch these thoughts without automatically claiming them as my own. After about five minutes, I realized the selfishness in what I wanted to do, that it was purging not sharing and could not create what I want.
Real power, grace and control comes from that quiet place, of realizing that I don't need to force grand vulnerability to achieve desires. If genuine intimacy was possible in this situation, it would exist already. My power comes from me, my big buddhaheart and is expressed most simply, without needing to be confirmed by an Other.

Not a bad afternoon of meditation.

So Much Love,
Janey

Drawings

Very much inspired by/ripped off from the dear Edward Monkton who's own drawings give me hope and joy.





Alas they might be a little too specific to my own life, and less universal than his are, but then I'm new to the creative

love
janey

The Mastery of Love

About six weeks ago, I finally read The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz.
My friend, sister of all things soulful, and succulent wild woman Anna recommended it to me. After seeing it on her coffee table for years, I cannot believe I have gone so long without reading it.
In all fairness, It is not anything I didn't know before. However the grace with which it is shared, and the fact that it is compounded into 100 or so pages makes it especially profound.
Ruiz is a member of a Toltec mystical tradition and was guided to share these teachings with the world.
The main themes are a focus on the duality of love and fear, which is something I have believed for a long time is the best way to view and understand our actions and our hearts.
Additionally, Ruiz makes the statement that we are ALL dreamers and artists. Though some of us may not realize it, or realities are our own doing and are a product of our thoughts. This doesn't encourage an overemphasis on control, or false arrogant notion that we can determine every aspect of life's course. Control is fear based.
Rather, this truth empowers the individual to live as the creator, the creation and the medium. Something, which in claiming my identity as an actress, has been quite inspiring.
In seeing our life as a dream which we paint with our views, thoughts, loves, joys, and sorrows, we are free to Create happiness and nourish the seeds of our buddhahood with the wisdom that they can grow into an infinite and unshakable buddhaheart.
This notion has been very meaningful for me of late. I am in the process of claiming my identity as an artist and creator. Along spiritual lines, but also incorporating external creativity as a strengthening manifestation of this. Artistry is something I have denied until now, and I finally realize that it because I didn't love myself enough, i didn't believe that anything I could create would be of value. What a waste low self esteem is, yet is is apart of my journey and I honor the knowledge.
Ruiz also introduces the concept that we are all innately perfect. Again something which has been discovered before, however what I loved is that he put it in the framework that we are all masters, and sometime masters of things which may seem negative. For example, in my life, I undoubtedly mastered self hatred. One can master anger, resentment, loneliness. And though we see those things as so negative, mastery of them is no less perfect, because one must master all of them before we can master Love, as the highest. Enlightenment, I believe could be seen as the mastery of love.
They say that there are something like 37 stages of bodhisattvahood. Perhaps each is a mastery of some of the good stuff. Self love, kindness, affection, grace, strength.
Right now I am practicing being a master of forgiveness. For something that is seen as so hard, I'm surprised at how easily it has come. I'm not there yet, so I'll tell you how it goes.

May you be a master of love and sweetness in your life,
Janey

a dreamy optimist

Edward Monkton makes me smile.


love,
janey