Caution: living with bated breath may cause heart damage

I consider myself to be a dreamer. There is not denying it, it is just what I am. I am starting to see however that with every positive quality, also comes a challenge. With my dreamy-ness also comes a grand tendency to live too much in the future. I have found myself being constantly let down by this in the past year. If my life up to this point was a book, the title certainly should certainly be Great Expectations. What I am starting to realize, is that expectations are a hell of a lot of work.

I don't know if I want to be a dreamer any more, as much as a lover, an actor, a person who trusts themselves enough just to be.
I have always had two main dreams:
1. to find true love,
and
2. have my everyday life full of dolphins.
There is simplicity in this, but I constantly translate it into complicated romantic projections.

Rather than dreams, perhaps these are just truths. My truth. my own personal dharma.

I have been loyal to them since I can remember so there is no fear that these are passing whims. I am constantly transformed and motivated my love. I like to love, I like to be affectionate. I like to be in a relationship, and I like the challenges that come with it. I have proven that it is something I am always willing to make room for, regardless of what else is going on. I also love dolphins. I like watching dolphins, and I like to swim with them. Their very presence makes me feel alive and safe and connected to the universe in a way that only being 'in the arms of the beloved' (as rumi might say) would. They are my external dharma and true love my internal.
I am so tired of planning, of trying to anticipate what is next, or worse, of forcing it. Whenever I do that I am always let down. Trying to have so much control leaves you unable to see the beauty in the experience as what it is, you waste your energy on trying to figure out exactly what the experience should be and proving yourself right. Its just ego, and its gross. I'm done with it.

may we all have lives full of true love and dolphins,
janey

(ps. the above photo is one I took of my dinner a few months ago, after I randomly dumped sauce on some noodles. the heart was not intentional. sometimes we need reminders of to have faith)