saying goodbye to a happiness that used to be

One of my lessons in this lifetime is undoubtedly impermanence.
It is one that has always been hard for me. As a little girl, I remember sobbing uncontrollably when my favorite aunt (who I worshiped) would leave at the end of a vacation. I find that I pretty much have the same reaction at 22 as I did then.

I have recently been practicing the art of creation. As an artist, a dreamer, and as a bodhisattva. In the past, I have cut all ties when a relationship or friendship stopped working for me. Though this hasn't been bad (and was certainly apart of my process) I have wanted to rise above needing to do this and maintain bonds and love, rather than destroying them.
Its rather funny when I think that one of the first real times I try to practice this is in the most difficult situation I can personally imagine.

I've realized that when steps have been taken along the bodhisattva path, steps away from my ego and towards compassion, the fundamental darkness, or the power of the 1st noble truth will try to pull one back. It seems that ego, combined with fundamental darkness creates the effect I can only equate to having a wounded and pissed orangutan tearing around my rib cage and beating up my buddhaheart. I know that this force, though it is living in me, is not me. I am trying to tame it, and turn ego into an ally, rather than my abuser.

Unfortunately, the only way I can see to do this is to drop the ties to old love. Rather than serving as a reminder of my interconnection, they have been strangling me. I know it is the right thing, because I am acting out of love for myself, and love for the future, but it pains me that I cannot find a way to also act out of love for him.
In saying goodbye, I feel like I must once again forget the beautiful nuances of the happiness I had found. I cannot hope for a return of any of it in the same way and it is this knowledge which at times makes me feel like I am melting into my bed. Unable to move towards new love. possibility. happiness.
However, as Sensei says; I will not be defeated. I will courageously advance.

I am so especially thankful to my wonderful and kind friends who's very presence help heal my heart. Buddhist or not, they are my Sangha, and I am blessed and proud to say that I take refuge in them.

may all beings be peaceful, may all beings be happy, may all beings be filled with compassion for one another.

love,
Janey