an ode to my ukulele.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it yet, but this year I found my soul mate. Or at least if an inanimate object can be a soul mate, well then I have found that.
I bought a guitar back in the day, but I've always been more of a 'one note at a time' kind of girl, and just like my six years on the piano, I was also horrid at guitar. I just couldn't move my fingers that way, so I essentially quit, and left it to gather dust in my room, making me look much cooler than I actually am to anyone who didn't know how horrid at guitar I was. This year though, I fell in love (a few times really, but we won't get into all that...) with a wonderful musician, Ingrid Michaelson.
This fall, after my heart broke wide open, I was a mess for what felt like a long time. For someone who is known for her cheerfulness, I've dealt with depression quite a bit. The strong life condition that I have built for myself started to crumble. I couldn't make it through the day without bursting into tears at least once, I wasn't eating well and felt sick all the time. I felt the pull of self-hatred I know all too well and I let a lot of my responsibilities slip out of control. After about two months of being stuck in a downward spiral that my life had become, I went to see Ingrid in Denver and was inspired once again to find my own musicianship. I determined that guitar was not the way to do it, so I went to Robb's and bought myself a beautiful baritone ukulele. Perhaps the best purchase I've ever made. I had been chanting for help to pull me out of my fundamental darkness, and my ukulele came to the rescue. I was horrid at guitar but the uke came quickly and naturally (same amount of strings as you have usable fingers, much more logical). It instilled me with a sense of confidence in my voice and ability, self worth, that I had misplaced. For the next month or so I played four or five hours a day, and finally found the strength to face the world with calm and joy rather than anxiety and sadness. I had other help from friends, my sangha, and my wonderful life coach, but the ukulele was the extra thing I needed.
I've come to see that most people don't have enough outlets for joy in their life, and so I feel very lucky that not only have I found a new way to express mine, but also a reminder that I can never be without it.
May you find your own ukulele of life.

love,
Janey

Caution: living with bated breath may cause heart damage

I consider myself to be a dreamer. There is not denying it, it is just what I am. I am starting to see however that with every positive quality, also comes a challenge. With my dreamy-ness also comes a grand tendency to live too much in the future. I have found myself being constantly let down by this in the past year. If my life up to this point was a book, the title certainly should certainly be Great Expectations. What I am starting to realize, is that expectations are a hell of a lot of work.

I don't know if I want to be a dreamer any more, as much as a lover, an actor, a person who trusts themselves enough just to be.
I have always had two main dreams:
1. to find true love,
and
2. have my everyday life full of dolphins.
There is simplicity in this, but I constantly translate it into complicated romantic projections.

Rather than dreams, perhaps these are just truths. My truth. my own personal dharma.

I have been loyal to them since I can remember so there is no fear that these are passing whims. I am constantly transformed and motivated my love. I like to love, I like to be affectionate. I like to be in a relationship, and I like the challenges that come with it. I have proven that it is something I am always willing to make room for, regardless of what else is going on. I also love dolphins. I like watching dolphins, and I like to swim with them. Their very presence makes me feel alive and safe and connected to the universe in a way that only being 'in the arms of the beloved' (as rumi might say) would. They are my external dharma and true love my internal.
I am so tired of planning, of trying to anticipate what is next, or worse, of forcing it. Whenever I do that I am always let down. Trying to have so much control leaves you unable to see the beauty in the experience as what it is, you waste your energy on trying to figure out exactly what the experience should be and proving yourself right. Its just ego, and its gross. I'm done with it.

may we all have lives full of true love and dolphins,
janey

(ps. the above photo is one I took of my dinner a few months ago, after I randomly dumped sauce on some noodles. the heart was not intentional. sometimes we need reminders of to have faith)

Taking the Plunge

This Year, I celebrated the new year, new hope, new joy, new love with the Boulder Polar Bear Club and dove into the Boulder res for the 2009 polar plunge. This is the third year I've jumped but it was different in a few essential ways. First of all, its the first time I've found friends crazy enough to do this with me!! (Yey Haley and Josh!) I was also pleased to find that I have shaken off so much fear in 2008. For the first time, as we got closer and closer to the front of the line to jump, I was no longer overcome with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. Instead, I was simply full of joy and excitement. This, I think is the real gift of taking big risks in life.

"Leap, and the net will appear"; as the Zen monks say. Not only will you find yourself safe, but able to find such great joy in the unexpected. This little tradition for me is more than just something silly, but rather a practice in letting go of the seeming security fear brings and embracing the wild beauty in living your life with love.
Happy New Year! May it be everything you ever dreamed of!
Love,
Janey

Marley and Me

It seems appropriate as the year is coming to a close, and the lab movie is hitting theatres to share my own 'Marley and Me' story of 2008.

There have been so many dogs I have loved in my lifetime, and having spent ten years working at a humane society I think this number is higher than it is for most people.
This March though, I meet someone special. At 7:00 am this particular Sunday, I walked into the dog recovery ward ready to tackle yet another morning of poop scoopin' and spraying out kennels for the next three hours before we opened. I said hello to my new furry pals for this day but paused in front of kennel 93. Hung on the door was the familiar "Caution Dangerous Animal" sign but behind it I was surprised to see a big floppy golden doodle. I have seen many a scarred pittie or fierce chihuahua with such a sign, but on her cage it was out of place. However, she was crouched in the back of her kennel, alert barking at me and letting out a low growl. Two things which don't usually lead to a happy ending in a shelter, where tough decisions have to be made. "Oh stop being such a silly grumper" I said to her; "doodles aren't grumpy, no one believes you, miss!" and I tossed a few treats in front of her face. Throughout the morning, I kept stopping by to talk to her. She won me over quickly, and after four tries had stopped growling. My ninth try, she stopped aggressively barking at me and was creeping closer towards the front of the kennel to say hello. Three hours later, I broke the rules and opened up her kennel. The moment I touched the door, she ran to the back, but didn't growl. I crept in and knelt down so I wouldn't t intimidate her.
"hello, grumper-doodle!" I squeaked in my best dog-friendly voice. Suddenly, the shy girl's eye's light up and she bounded over to me, rolling on her back for a belly rub while wiggling in glee. I was sold. "I knew you couldn't be so mean.", I told her.

Later that day, I looked up her story. She had been a $1500 lawn ornament, an symbol of success and completion, rather than a family member, which explained her behavior in her kennel. I found out that she wouldn't qualify for our adoption center, and the behavior team had decided to contact golden retriever rescue of the Rockies to give her a second chance, rather than euthanize her. Because rescues are run out of individual foster homes, animals are much less terrified and stressed, and the aggressive stuff you see in a kennel goes away.

Three years before, I had rescued another golden retriever (Phin) from drowning in the Florida keys, and brought him back home to find his new life. GRRR had helped me then, and I had been listed as one of their foster volunteers. When a GRRR volunteer came to get her I found out that she was going home with Mary, the director, who already had over 15 foster dogs at her home. I jumped at the opportunity to take this girl, and for the next month she lived with me instead.

Marley's new mom is always convinced that I saved her, but in reality, Marley is the one who saved me. Never underestimate the power of an animal to open up your heart. With Marley's help, I realized how I had been tolerating a solitary life that in reality I detested. Like this sweet girl, my purpose in life is to always love and be loved a lot back. To be wrapped up in joyful affection and play, and spend considerable time snuggling. She and I are kindred spirits, my best friend of all the dogs I have ever known. In reaching out to help her during her own time of isolation and fear, I was also extending a hand to my own inner goldendoodle. The good karma of this act (combined with a lot of chanting) helped me finally surmount my own fear, welcome new love into my life, and witness my own buddha nature first hand.

So if you want to change your life in 2009, go foster an animal, I promise it will be worth your while.

love,
Janey

"First we'll make snow angels for a two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can,...

... And then we'll Snuggle!"

Happy Christmas!

If you are thinking right now: "Why is she wishing me a happy Christmas? Christmas isn't a Buddhist holiday". Well, you're right. However, at an SGI meeting we discussed the concept of Zuiho Bini. Pretty much, it's a teaching of the Buddha that says that you should respect the traditions of the land you are in. So, I can celebrate Christmas after all.

This hasn't been without its problems though. Christmas and I have been on rocky ground for a while. I don't take heart break easily, and man oh man, did I used to believe in the magic of Christmas. I mean BELIEVE. So much so that I wanted proof. When I was ten, I crept into my Aunt Gracie's living room, only to find the adults stashing the 'Santa' presents. I tried for a year to ignore it, or pretend that I didn't know, but I had felt betrayed and suffered a sever crisis of faith. Its funny to look at this now, because in truth, it was my problems with Santa which sparked me to find a tradition of my own. I was eleven when I first started tagging along to my various friends church programs, but nothing stuck until I found the buddha-dharma. Even when I finally knew I was a Buddhist, it still took me, well, really until this year to start to like Christmas again. I had felt oppressed by the tradition which I saw as propagating the 'lie' which crushed my belief in magic, and refused to take joy in anything based on a lie.

On December 12th, I celebrated my first 'Buddha-Birthday'. My one year anniversary since I received my Gohonzon and officially became a member of the SGI. This has been a monumental year for me, and I have broken through barriers I have been struggling with for nearly a decade. Christmas is obviously one of them. Something silly started happening to me since thanksgiving. I have allowed myself to watch Christmas movies.

It started casually with Elf. I know, your thinking this is just Will Ferrall being silly. I thought so too, and then three quarters of the way I just started to cry. Not just a little bit, a lot. Big, sloppy tears of faith and joy, mixed with a little sadness at the suffering I had felt all those years. I stopped believing in Santa, and stopped believing in myself. This month I have cried not only after Elf, but also after The Santa Clause 1 and 2, Love Actually (which normally just depresses me), Home Alone (I mean, come on the lovely old man that Kevin comes to see for who he really is! ah!), Sleepless in Seattle (it does have a Christmas scene, I promise...), and most recently The Muppet's Christmas Carol. I also came very close to crying at work yesterday when people came in to make holiday donations to the homeless animals, and when one of our amazing volunteers told me she and her husband were spending all day at the homeless (people) shelter.

I can't say I have had the complete transformation of a former Scrooge, yet. Tonight when I walked home from my aunt's house it was dark outside, and it still felt like it was very dark outside. However, I think our challenge as beings is maintaining a sense of wonder and loving-kindness eternally. I'm going to go chant for some magic...

as Buddy the Elf says: "I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU!",

janey

A Bright New Day!

Congratulations America!
I can't help but still be brimming over with love!

We are going to be OK.



Today was a testament to my smile, which could not be helped.
I grabbed lunch at 'VG burgers', the veggie place on the way to my life coach's house.
There were two guys in the whole place, and I ended up having a wonderfully deep conversation with both of them.
On of the gentlemen told me about a raw food resturant he was opening downtown which is completely based on donations. They serve you food, and then you pay based on how much your heart tells you to. In other cities people have been very generous, and he hopes that in Boulder he will able to reach and feed our homeless community.
It was so wonderful to see other people enhancing our world using a combination of compassion, joy, and creativity. We are out here, and I know it can be done.



If your like me, maybe we can just hug and smile our way to a better future?

May your love bring peace to the world,
janey

History in the Making, or the wonders of esho funi

Happy Election Day!
I find it odd to realize that a particular day can have such an impact on the direction of my life. If there ever was a day, today is it.
Such questions as: "Will I need to apply for citizenship in Britain when I get there?" and "Do I have any faith in humanity, and the American people (en masse)?" will be answered.

I am certainly optimistic, but certainly not certain that tomorrow will be a bright new day for America. When Kerry lost in 2004, I was crushed. Sob-in-public-and-get-tattooed kind of crushed. Though I have no doubt that similar tactics were used then as in the 2000 heist, it is still frightening that we as citizens allowed it to even be that close.

Shakespeare once said that "Action is Eloquence", this is one of my favorite quotes. As citizens it is so so so important for us to get off our couch, turn off the tv and be in the world! Discuss, Love, Play, Create, and Serve! Unfortunately however, under the current republican reign many Americans are just trying to survive, placing such ideals out of reach. How can anyone have the energy to volunteer when they work two jobs and have a family to care for? If our democracy has any hope of flourishing, we must make sure our citizens are well cared for. That our positive rights are fulfilled. That we have health care, quality education, toxin-free food, and energy that doesn't destroy our planet (and make my asthma worse). Then democratic participation and a return to active party loyalty should be inevitable.
"Yes We Can" have such a world under Barack Obama!

But what can we do if the worst happens (eg. McCain)? If our rights are stripped away from us, the middle class crumbles into depression, our planet falls into a rather toasty and polluted disarray?
To answer this question, I turn to Esho Funi. The principle of Esho Funi states that our internal (or spiritual) environment will be reflected in our external (or action based) environment. If we are able to heal our hearts and clean up our minds, then the world will follow. If enough of us practice kindness and compassion in ourselves our country, economy, society, and natural environment will improve. Our world can only be as clean and healed as we are.
So if we feel that we are not able to escape the drudgery, we all can at least take a seat and take a breath.

I'm still going to strive for an internal graceful practice and fierce activism, and am ever thankful that I am in such a position where I can make this choice!

Love (especially to Barack!),
Janey